IN WHICH I CONSIDER INSTALLING A RED VELVET ROPE AROUND MY LADY BUSINESS.
In terms of sheer choice, online dating was going well for me. Messages kept flooding in, and the guys who’d rated me five stars had topped several thousand for awhile now.
It occurred to me that were I to date them all, I might have sex with a different man every day for the next eleven years! Hmmm … Note to Self: The longest hotdog eating contest in history. I pictured me, a wax figure immortalized in Madame Tussaud’s — with a broken jaw.
The best ones were, of course, gentlemen, polite and complimentary. These were the ones I liked from the get-go, and beyond their usual observations — “beautiful,” “gorgeous,” “stunning,” “breathtaking,” and “very pretty,” some could be impressively inventive and charming:
Jesse: Hello Trouble.
Paul: I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I’m going to need your name and number to adore you in person.
Randy: You intimidate and inspire.
James: Light can be defined without sun. Sweetness can be defined without honey. Fragrance can be defined without a rose, but beauty cannot be defined without you! I’m James…and you?
Carlos: I can’t believe a single lady as gorgeous as you is on here. I’m going to pick you up, sling you across my back and carry you off before another guy sees you!
David: You don’t need to wear makeup, baby — why mess with perfection?
Richard: Only a select sort of woman merits my attention – elegant, sultry, sophisticated, and of course, well-endowed. 😉 A woman like you deserves to have her body worshipped. 😉
But silver-tongued Richard never did make that pilgrimage I envisioned, on his knees to my Holy of Holies — the slimebag turned out to be in thrall to a bigger cult: Marriage.
Yours truly,
