IN WHICH I’M REMINDED, REGRETFULLY, I CAN’T UNSEE THAT.
How ugly can it get when it comes to online dating? Well, physically there’s truly no limit; but ugliness comes in other forms, too, and blatant crudeness often makes an unwelcome appearance.
There are the douchebags who clearly only want to use women for sexting, and beating off — they want you off the dating site and onto other more private means of messaging, like Kik or WhatsApp, so they can send you dick pics and even ask you for nudies of yourself. There’s never an intention to meet or date: this is just about these selfish pricks getting off. The right thing would be to go on a porn site and rub one out, without exploiting the goodwill of an innocent woman. But apparently the lure of an actual human “connection” is overwhelming.
Whether for sexting or immediate hookups, the over-the-top dirty usernames are usually a clue. HARDDICK9 and others like him apparently judge themselves irresistible to attractive women:
BIGPOLECOCK, whose profile stated “my cock is really big for your greater pleasure,” messaged me, “Want to meet up?”
As if.
JUMPINGCOCK: I’m ready to meet up if you are horny enough.
SEXYPYTHON: Want to meet up and feel my python? (His girlfriend used to nickname it that.)
LONGBIGCOCK: Ready to meet at my place and fuck for our pleasure ?
Me: Umm, never.
One very handsome guy with a normal username had only two words on his profile: “Ten inches.” I went in for the fun of it:
Me: Man of few words.
Him: I let my dick do the talking.
Me: OMG you’re outrageous. You’re handsome, that’s what caught my attention. Do you let your dick do your thinking, too, which is like most guys lol ?
Him: Yup.
PAUSE.
Him: You on here to man bash?
And he blocked me. But I wasn’t going to continue, anyway. I felt so bad for him. Nobody needed to bash this guy — he’d beaten us all to the punch.
Then there are the in-yo-face profile pics, of hard, veined erections, sometimes mistakable for forearms! Sometimes the stiffie would figure in a come-hither pic, poking from the crotch of a pair of apparently irresistible tidy whities. No, really.
Amid a cesspool of revolting come-ons, at least one of them was clever. After I visited his profile, TINYBLACKPENIS messaged me:
“Ha, my username got your attention! But I lied, my penis is actually green!”
Yours truly,
