IN WHICH I ASSURE I’LL NEVER BE PTSDED FROM AN STD.
I’d been sexually inactive for so long, some undesirable afflictions — like HPV (Human Papillomavirus) — were now so much in the public eye, young girls were advised to get vaccinated (free) against it. Now that I was getting poked again, I decided to get poked with the vaccine, even though it had not been studied in women my age: I, Mrs.Hot, was not about to get cervical cancer, to which it has been linked. I bought the very expensive vaccine myself, and my doctor gave me the series of shots.
Herpes, also, had really exploded during my dormant phase — meanwhile, HIV, though drugs were now keeping those alive who had it, was still a threat. Along with the ever-prevalent, garden variety of STDs — oldies but not goodies like chlamydia and syphilis, were still, of course, around. So not hot.
In the sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll that was the Seventies, and into the Eighties, even, condoms were considered a nuisance and accepted, at least for my demographic, as an option, at best; for birth control we used other preferred methods. Changing times, however, along with the wisdom only age can give you, sent me to the condom aisle of the drug store.
As much as I expected my conquests to be packing a Trojan for that Trojan horse they were slipping into my gates, as a woman in control, I would always be prepared. I was a Girl Scout, after all, and “Be Prepared!” was our motto — now I’d be applying it to the boys across the lake.
I knew lamb skin was the best, but yikes, so expensive — more appropriate for a man with that refinement to spring for that himself, before springing it out of his Armani pants. I needed a supply of decent, yet affordable, ones. Standing at the drug store in a conundrum before the vast display of possibilities, as luck would have it, a hot late twenties guy said “Pardon me!” and reached across to grab a pack of mid-price ones, immediately flagging the brand I should pick. The universe had thrown me a bone so I could enjoy the other bones headed my way – I bought several packs.
Because sometimes after you get wet is when you most need a raincoat.
Yours truly,
